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2/23/2009 Too curious, Too Furious..Sometimes..... should just let the past flow away,
is just no point to bought it up and been talk about again.
But then... curious is a drive which will bought the past thing up again...
Something always been bothering me, but I never put my mind into it... I never think for it... I just let it flow.....
The other night, he told me everything, from beginning to the end.
I don't want to listen, I want to run away from it, I don't want him to mention it again.
But because I'm curious... I continued listen.
After I hear his story.... I feel much relief.......
So maybe it's true sometimes, we should hear others explanations. Maybe there is some story behind the problem's back....
The explanation is pretty late.... and I was very furious.... But then... is all finish... full stop!
1/12/2009 in love with a Vampire?hmmm.. .. wat will happen if i turn into a vampire?
well... i guess.. i cant go out in the day time anymore.. no beach, no outdoor sport ( i do sport? = \) , no more outdoor shopping, no more sun.........
But.. is so cool to be a vampire.. i want to be a vampire... but... i love my day time life.. cant imagine i live without my daytime life....thatz kinda impossible..
but i still want to be a vampire... coz is very cool.. lol... but yea... as i say.. i cant.. lol... how come vampire cant walk under the sun... thatz sad.. even vampire always so pretty, always so smart, and such an awesome character... but there is just something weak for them.. haiii.... so itz true.. nathing is powerful.. anyone/ any anime/ any creature will still have their weakness.... sounds fair..
tvampire scared of the sun.... mayb thatz not bcoz they are weak.. mayb therez a love story invloved.. hmmm~ let see..
mayb boz..... .
.. long long long time ago.. bak into few hundred million years ago... when all those greek gods still exists, and all those creatures are still alive..when the vampire still can live under the sun.. therez a love story between a vampire and a daughter of Apollo.
Vincent the vampire is 1 of the member in Vampire family, son of Volvo ( ^_<) the strongest vampire back in that time.. fall in love with a lovely young lady named Jasmine which is Apollo's beloved daughter. They both deeply inloved, but they know they cant get married, because of family background. They tried to run away from their family and seek for happiness, but... no one allow them to do that. Therez once and is the last time when Vincent and and Jasmine trying to escape from their family, But this time.. Apollo found their plans and locked Jasmine inside the castle, and went to talk with Volvo and warn him if he not doing anything to stop Vincent, he will banned the Vampires from the sun. Volvo disagreed with Apollo and they end up with a fight....Apollo ofcoz did win the fight... thatz why Vampire generations are banned to live under the sun..
hmmmmmmm ... sound so dramatic... very typical love story.. .sounds like romeo and juliet.. but.. this is god fighting with earth creatures.. ofcoz.. strongest is the god.. the saddest part of the story is not vincent and jasmine cant be together.. the saddest part is.. Vampires are banned to live under the sun... haiii ... 12/21/2008 Love and Support?recently.. i got my Green P... but.. i still cant drive.. very funny isnt?
i reackon is very very funny... is just a funniest joke... even Daniel.. who got a L is driving way better than me...
even Judy who still on her Red P still driving way better than me...
im such a loser.. always not brave enuoght to drive... always not brave enought to turn right..... even Simone will laugh... such a loser.. but saddest part is... not all my frd forgot that Jenny does have a driver license.... the saddest part is... my bf.. laught at me.. bcoz i cant turn right... my bf think i cant drive... my bf doesnt believe i can drive safely..........
how sad is that... well.. to be honest.. not very sad... is normal... this is wat should be deserve.. i think..
i passed all my driving test in 1 go.... L, Red P, Green P..... but.... he still couldnt believe.. that i can drive.....well i guess he does believe.. but.. he just neva encourage me.. like others... or... neva support me...... im a gay person.. i need ppl to support me to do things... i cant just do it.. without support... most likely.. i need his support.. but.. he will just think.. im comparing him...
im not comparing him with frds... who trying to encourage me to drive.. im just tellin him.. even others BELIEVE i can... so i thought he could just BELIEVE i can as well.. but he just dont understand.. he thought.. I dont need encourage.. becoz i got my license alrdy... i dont need a hand.....
is just sad for me.. but normal for others...
love and support... i want both please..
P.S. Sorry Phil.. i shouldnt yell at u... bcoz u just dont understand me.. 12/14/2008 无形的负担感无可置疑的是。。。。虽然我看起来轻松，无忧无虑的， 但是在身后却有无形的负担感。。 不知负担从何而来， 但却把我压得透不过气。。。
很多话想说，却又说不出口。。。怕一说口，命运从此改变，众叛亲离地离开我身边。。。 但是事情真的会这样吗？ 我不敢冒险。。。。。
有人说我中文不好，英文还不好。。。。 压力从此而起。。。 人做到像我这样的。。。 真的是死有余辜。。。。。。
我从小就不喜欢英文，因为我被迫地来到这个地方，英文就是唯一语言，我因被迫所以讨厌。。。。不过无可置疑的是。。。我渐渐熟悉了这块我曾经讨厌的土地而渐渐地喜欢上它了。。。
可是以我现在的英文程度，只是勉强过关而已。。。。。压力从此而起。。。。。
真希望现在时间重来。。。。。 12/6/2008 love me till the end?Hey you, say love me till the end,
you are the one only i call my man.....
how many man can really stay till the end with their very firsti tme lover. they always have excuses to go out and find the other one... BUT life shoudnt work in this way!!!!
even he still with u now.. but in the mean time.. he has cheat on u alrdy.. that doesnt make any difference.. the only difference is.. he still choose u.. and think u are the r ight one for him..... BUT life shoudnt work in this way!!!
how ever.. no matter how the life work.. is not really meant to be change.. coz.. day by days... time goes by easy.. human alrdy like to stay the way they were..
therefore.. the stupidest question is... will u love me till the end? and is more stupid. if u just beleive he answer.. if he says yes
Things must need to change..why I always have to bother the relationship is romantic or not.. is fun or not.. is serious or not.. is in one piece or not....
time goes by, things stays the same way as they were and are... nathing is gona change.... love isnt chaning, lips isnt changing... person isnt changing... heart is changing... only thing that might change day by day, that is the age/apperance, mayb one day look into the mirror, the one that used be young and sexy... has changed to old and winkles... by that time.. love havent change? if so... then that is the real romance, so.. i start relized.. why i have to care the curent romance for? wait till the day i turned to a old grumpy lady and he still will hold my hand look bak to the roads that we have been walk throught andwait till us apart coz of the death... then thatz the real romance.
.hmmm up to this point of the blog... i alrdy have no idea. why im writing now...
overall.. im just tryin to convince myself.. current romance isnt important, what is up coming , wat is supoose to be change is the importantance of romance.. stable relationship is just a way to prove the romance is increasing.....
life is short.. argue is romantic or not.. is just boring.. but... if no romance.. is also boring... hmmm therefore.. life is short and is also boring.... BINGO 11/13/2008 Sori..But..I can't.....He bought me a watermelon the other day, because I mention that I want to eat watermelon... he just went to buy me a watermelon..he even ring his friend, and ask what is watermelon's english is. and bring it to the shop and gave me a suprise.....
He come to shop whenever I work, even is very late, he will still come over and say Hi.
He say he like me. I dono what to say, but all I can do is reject him, and getting away from him.
He ask me why, he cant met me before the other guy. I dono wat to say, but all i can do is reject him, and run away from him
He could be the one i like, If im not alrdy belong to someone.
I think i kno what to do. I do Love the one that i chose. So no matter how touch that i feel, i wont think anything.
I hope I choose the rite road, and He is my Mr.Right. 9/14/2008 nathing important..My name is Jenny Ruan... is it important to you?
No matter is important or not, is nathing to do with you... If im not important to you, dont be bother to feel bad..
My english is crap.. is it important to you?
No matter is importatn or not, is nathing to do with you... is just effecting my future only, not yours..dont be bother to feel sorry or funny....
If my exist is nathing important to you... please.. let me kno.. so i kno who u are and just let me face u in different way..
Im very important to myself.. coz i like myself.. even im such looser, even im such stupid, even im such crappy person...
Loving yourself.. isnt a bad thing, just do it...
The End. 9/2/2008 Im not alone..I have learnt alot of thing from the dieases im having atm, first overall, careful when shave!
and 2nd thing, i really feel so touching coz most of frd been ask me how am i going etc... i really feel happy... they does care about me...
so im not alone.......
thanks to Simone first, she been ask me how i feel everyday, and tried to encourage me to take shower with her.. lol
and then... thanks to Shannon and Chao... even Chao just come and grab text book.. but Sha tags alone to see me when she kno that i dont feel well...
most likely have to thanks Eileen... she been help me alot... she been listen to me, and tell me im not gona die coz of this diease, and help me to work.. even she got alot uni work to do...
last but not lease... thanks to Phil.. my baby.. he did nathing at all lol... he even ask me to rud his tummy coz he got tummy ache.. but.. haha.. i kno he been worried me alot... and thanks to him fix my bed for me.. so i can sleep very well during last few day that i have laid on bed for at lease 20 hr per day..
Well thanks to all my other frd as well who been ask me how i been...
thanks to let me kno.. Im not alone.. i stil have uz as my frd.. I love yous.. 8/25/2008 abc 君有些人真的很奇怪， 那个寂寞的时候被人问候几句，跟着别人是好人是坏人就分不清楚，
究竟是笨还是天真，几经分不清楚了，明明a君是一个三八， b君却认为她是好人，而c君因为平常的大性情被人称为坏人，
非常好笑， b君啊， 你的眼睛真的是瞎了吗？c君在你人生里真的那么不堪吗？ 如果真的是， 我跟你说， a君根本就是不喜欢你
她在你的背后说了不止一次的不喜欢你，而你还是像个瞎头苍蝇对着这个a君那里飞来飞去， 而把虽让口里说不喜欢你，而心里却为了你的事
奔波的c君置诸不理， 非常好笑的一个笑话，还是一个非常可悲的悲剧呢？
c君不可以被称之为伟大，因为他也有不好的习惯，当他跟其他朋友说的兴奋时，他就会不小心把秘密说出来， 这是不好的，谁也知道，
但a君所谓的仁慈，也只是因为她的不削跟你说话，而没把你的话记在心里所以才避过被说得危险， 表面来看，a君真的是一个好朋友
但。。。。 身为他们的朋友谁也知道， 虽然c君有个坏嘴巴，但他的心是有仁义道德的，他有的是义气，
可是因为a君的平静外表被人称之为好人，可是谁也知道有事发生了，最好还是不要找他，因为他不会为你作出任何牺牲的。
好人没有好报的， 没错。 我十分同音。 可怜的c君， 你就不要再做好人了， 做一个有义气的人干嘛？
那些类是b君的人只会利用你而已，当他们得到他们所希望拥有的，只会一脚踢开你而已， 没有人会记得你这个可怜虫。
从今天开始你真的不要再讲义气了， 义气不可以当饭吃， 只会把你弄痛而已， 你不要再让我伤心拉。。 7/16/2008 我的少年时期过了吗？对于我一些朋友来说， 他们的少年时期是可以直到大学毕业。。家里永远都不用他们烦恼。。。
但是我的烦恼来了。。 这就是代表。。。我的少年时期已经过了。。。
人是要长大没错。。 可是。。 这一切对我来说。。 来得太快。。
我妈今天吃饭突然间， 叫我明年要存1 万块让她起车房可以租给人家，好让我们多点收入。。
可是问题是。。 我一个星期平均收入是200。。12个月。。 最多只有9500。。 其中还没有减去我的日常开支。。我的生活起了最大的变化。。。
1万块。。。。。。我从哪里可以给她这么多钱？ 她是不是太高估我了？
我真的很多委屈。。。 我的梦想。。 我想做的事情。。 我都为了这1万块。。 而不能做。。 我的人生。。 到了一个黑暗的地带。。
我只是一个学生。。。 她是不是想我不再读书了？ 全职帮她找钱？我真的想哭了。。。
我的梦想。。 在结婚之前去日本读室内设计。。。。。
我的梦想。。学拉小提琴。。。
我下一年本来想跟男朋友还有朋友一起去日本的。。。 现在。。 都因为这突然其来的1万块而给搞砸了。。。
1 万块啊。。。 如果我中了lotto就好了。。。
真的要绝望了 5/15/2008 离开时请带着笑容。。公公离开也有几个月了，心情也算平复下来了，那个时候知道他快要不行时，心里总是不安，当我知道他已经永远离开了这个世界时， 我还跟我自己说，算啦。。这可能对他来说是一件好事，是一种解脱。。所以到我去葬礼前。。我都是平常的，但原来，事实亲人离开，无论理由多好都好，始终。。 永远永远都不可以再见面了。。一想到这样的时候，眼泪不自觉地在送他一程时一滴一滴静静地留下来，可我总是想把眼泪收到眼里，因为我知道公公他不想见到我们这么的伤心。。可是眼泪总是一直一直地流，静静地流。。。 到了会场时。。 见到的是我的公公很安详的睡在玻璃棺材里面。。此时的我。。。眼泪不再是静静地流。。我无法压抑我当时的眼泪， 我的亲人， 从小把我看大的公公，现在睡在冷冰冰的棺材里面。。那刻心情无法形容，心是绞痛的。。眼泪烫着我的面。。
我的公公啊。。在天国好吗？有收到我烧给你的东西吗？
我的公公，虽然我们现在分开在两个不同的时空，但是我相信你还是会感觉我对你种种，种种。。 我答应你， 我会好好对你女儿，我妈妈的。。 我会好好对待婆婆。。 我会照顾你的孙仔，樑樑的。。。 我会乖当一个你引以为傲的外孙女。。谢谢你以前对我的好。。
请你安息吧。。 另外，我好朋友的爷爷在前几个星期也去世了，她的爷爷是一个非常好的人， 我小时候常常都去他们家串门，爷爷总是非常热情地招待我，问我功课如何，又总是静静地坐在他的位置看报纸，一看见我跟我的朋友下课到家，他总是会煮一点小吃给我们一边做功课一边吃。。 又或者他总会把苹果削了皮，放在一旁等我跟我的朋友吃完午饭吃。。
听到他的离去，我感觉到时间真的是在跑，所谓岁月不留人。。 难道我们的老一辈真的要一一离开我们了吗？？ 我真的无法相信我会可以接受他们的离去，他们是如此的特别，虽然有时候唠唠叨叨，但他们毕竟是紧张我们。。 老人家们，我十分不想你们离开我。。 但是如果你们真的要离开，我希望你们可以留给这时间上最重要的东西，就是你们的笑容， 你们毕竟经历许多许多， 在如此的和平盛世，匆匆离去，带走的是我们的眼泪，带走的是生前的烦恼， 带走的是凡尘间的恩怨，留下的是你们给我们的种种回忆以及永远在心中常留的笑容。。 希望已过世的你们在天国可以好好生活，
5/6/2008 Incident VS AccidentDono since when.. i sort of escape from the friends gathering.. no matter with who.. and no matter where to... is just kinda.. dont wanna stay/ cant be bother to go.... i dono why.. i miss them.. i wanna see them.. but i jsut dont want to stay too long.. or some times.. jsut cant be bother..
is weird for me tho... im less out with frd at nite.... most of the nite time are just with phil.... i mean.. wkend.. otheriwse.. i will jsut stay home..
mayb is bcoz.. of the gay uni.. coz is too far.. make me feel sick of catching train.. and mayb is bcoz of the work.. make me feel so tired all the time.. well i dono...
hope uz wont think im incidently dont attend of any of the gathering.. but i jsut don't feel like to... ... mayb once when i have more more money!~ i wil have the mood to go out and spend money!~ hahaha.. wait for me plzzzzzz..
but then.. i accident.. change the type to home girl type.. "宅女".....man this. is very weird.. i dotn like to be like this.. but i jsut cant help myself...
and omg! is winter..... this seriously make me dotn wanna go out.. ToT..
i dono... mayb.. more of wat im saying.. ppl will jsut think.. im making up excuses.. lol~~ well.. poor me... if uz really think im like this way...
ohoh.. and.. accidently.. im more more in love with phil now.. dono why.. lol...
sometimes.. is jsut very hard to kno why. he is still gay and annoyiing.. but.. i just find.. he is very nice.. and im happy have been holding his hand for like about 5 yrs... lol... cant believe we acciently go out for like.. about 5 yr!~ unbelieveable!~
dono we can accidently last for how long... but then.. is very incidently for us to hold each other tight.. i guess.the passion we've losted for awhile.. it has suddently cme bak... which is good thing.. i suppose..
accidently fall inlove with tennis.. love to play tennis with sha and others.. they so cool and fun to play with.. hehehe.. and.. i bought my tennis racquet!~~ yay!!~ hahaha.. is belong to me and phil.... very cute racquet~~ is yellow!~
hahaha.. is very nice.. that me and phil finally have a sport we both are into it... good boy philphil~~~ >3<
and.. ofcoz. thx to sha investage tennis as a hobbie and sport for me.. lol....
incident vs accident... equally.. accident always bcome first!~ 3/18/2008 today.....................Today.. is just another day of the wk.... special is bcoz i went to shopping with my best buddy... SHANNON~
she is real cool!~ not late like some other girls.. and she look awesome!~ see throught shirt inside is her cutie white bra~ XD!~ shouldnt describe this much.. but.. yea!~ she is very cutie sexy type...!~
best thing is... she carry the text book for me!~~ at least 2 hr!~ awwwww.. she so strong!~ hahaha...
and yea!~ her fashion is nearly same as me... i thought my type is sexy la.... but!~ didnt kno.. she like sexy clothes more than me!~ but ofcoz la.. she got that such body to wear sexy stuff.. not like me... even i show my boob out.. i wil just like look another odd walk on the street... haiiii~~~ human is like this guess...
bought $7x worth of clothes... most happy is.. i bought the jacket that i always want!~ hahaha.. so far.. all the ppl who seem me wear it.. says.... oh jenny!~ u look so skinny!~
hahahahaha.... thx to sha give me good opinion and lend me money!~ hahahahaha...
most likely!~ me and her is kinda like same type.. like to eat alot.. but.. is not really coz my tumm hungry.. is just.. we both want to chew stuff.. hahaha.. but..!~ the scarey thing is..... she say she is hungry again after we just had our lunch like.. 45min ago..... more..... scarey than me!~ ToT...
well well... thanks to shoppin with me shasha..!~ u are great shopping buddy!~ we go again.. once we have money again ok? and.!~ letz plan to go fish market!!~ i want oyster!!! and salmon!!!! and.. OMG! whateva is there!~ hahahaha...
and and!~ i kno this girl in uni~~~ her name is merryland!~~ hahaha.. kiddin..~ she is call Mandy la..~~ she is from GZ as well... DS fan as well... baka like me as well..~~~but bcoz im older than her .. so i cant look too baka.. so i pretend im not that baka of road and stm........but.. overall.. we still baka..~ hahaha..
kinda sort out.. im realy easy to go along with sagi girls... even they have some weird mind sometimes... but so am i la.. hahahaha...
and lol sha!~~ cant believe we do those weird look in the change room area at the $10 clothes shop... imagine.. ppl record it.. and put on youtube.. hahahhaha...
Owell.. dis is today~~~ look forward to tomorrow.. play ds with mandy!~ hahaha..then play with ju while wewait for the train.. then... play with sha on fri... or sat.. hahahaha.. we all ds fans now!~ hahaha 3/7/2008 Why make me angry and mad!?Me and you... we know each other long time alrdy....
u should know about my personality..
im those type.. if u didnt make me annoyed.. no matter wat u say.. wont make me mad la... but how come u kno that and u still do that..
i dont like the feeling of being left out... why u still left me out?? why u neva look for me.. when u reliezed that im not next to you?
i want you to worry me.. but u neva did... i want u neva left me out.. but why u always left me out.. why u only concetrate the thing that u interested u.. why u dont care about me?
why........... too many why again... but.. these question.. i neva can get an answer... coz u will neva care about me writing stuff here.. u neva try to understand me... u neva did....
true... u neva did... oh well.. why i bother to type up these but u just neva will look at it...
Love and Freedom.. is best for all age women... 2/25/2008 逃这阵子。。总想逃走。。。。
从现实的生活。。看到种种的丑陋。。种种的不知所谓。。。。。我总想。。逃回去自己的世界。。。
自己的世界永远是美好的，漂亮的，完美的。。。。
自己的世界永远是适合自己生活的。。。不像现实。。。永远要自己适应生活。。。这样做人太辛苦了吧。。。
可是这就是生活。。。生活就是辛苦的。。因为现实的不会只有自己的存在。。每个人都会有自己的方式去让自己生存下去
不折手段地。。。卑鄙地。。。笑里藏刀地。。。要自己生存下去。。。 仿佛。。。每天，每逢，每刻。。。都在战争。。。
人必须辛苦的生活下去。。除非是首富。。。否则就要顺着游戏规则一直玩下去。。。。否则。。。就会成为输家。。。 输家的代价不大。。。。
可能只是一事无成。。。当个社会的寄生虫而已。。。。
不想当输家。。知道一直玩下去。。。
这样的人生真辛苦。。。多想现实的我们。。只是一场梦。。。醒来后。。。原来我们一直在我的小世界里。。。我们就是小世界里的大赢家。。。可是。。。。逃得走吗？
welcome to reality.......
2/22/2008 我想太多了。。。有些事。。。不想让全世界知道。。 可是我知道两个语言。。。 中文跟英文。。。如果。。 我不用英文就要用中文。。 总会有人会知道我在说什么。。 或者。。其实真的想太多了。。因为也不会有人想知道我在写什么 。。。
这阵子不知道为什么。。 总是觉得身体好不舒服的。。 头痛，每天都好像睡不醒的样子。。 奇怪。。 我有病么？可能吧。。。 或者是人生实在是太累了呢。。
每天都有好多事情习惯了要做。 可是身体的疲倦。。 只好拖着身体强迫自己做。。。 可是。。。 不想做就是不想做。。 为什么会这样呢？ 奇怪啊。。。 可是。。。 唉。。。就是不知道呢。。
好多时候。。 我有一个好奇怪的想法。。 如果我死了。。。 我的朋友会怎样？ 会为我感到伤心吗？ 可能我想多了。。 或许。。我的存在。。 只有关心我的人在乎吧。。。 以往我所在乎过的人。。。有一半会相应的在乎。。。
好像真的想得太多了。。。。 2/20/2008 "Don't say you Love me...""Dont say you love me, you dont even know me...."
yes... rite.... why you neva know me? how can you love me like this? isnt abit strange?
i neva in love with your money, gift doesnt equal to money you kno.......
and i dont need gift.... a card/piece paper coz of the event... is that too over? i dono......
seriously hurt when u say.. i didnt buy u stuff during events.... coz i always get u somethign wheneva i see something nice or whenever i feel like too..... is that call neva buy u something? and how can u say i neva buy u something big? you see the stuffs that i gave u are just not important?
oh well... u just dont understand... u neva can understand.... we jsut have so many prob.. we can neva solve.........
i will just.. forget it...... 2/3/2008 game is life? sim is human? or we are the gameLife is just like this?
feels like... we are the sims...someone in other world or someother area are controlling us as the computer program... otherwise why we are so computer robot everyday? Work, Love, Communicate with friends and family...... feels like is all under someone's control....is that god?
i dont really believe in god and stuff.... guess if they are really exisit.... is shamness to see.. wat have they been done for us.... which is.. only the land water and air?
if gods are really exisit.. why dont gods spare some food and water to some poor people when they need it? why gods still wish/expect us...the not poor but not rich ppl to help them? why gods just create what human needs but not helping after when we suffering of all different kind of problem.... this just like the sims........ create the character, make the house, rdy the futerture.....then just keep press the ffw button... let the human play the game by itself......
should we blame the one who create the life program for us?
why u have to make so much stresse for us? and... did u turn on the reset button?? trying to let us distinct from this program.. thatz why we having globe warming or etc??
Play on sims...... life is us.... stop ask for help... coz all u get will just be the rain... coz thats what they only can give extra to u....
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